Now that they've survived yet another degrading few days of having to pretend that their ethic of wretched hyper-consumption, nihilist relativism, free-market narcissism and seething xenophobia reflects something even vaguely detectable in even the minutest scintilla of the New Testament, the CPC's Christian soldiers are free to take up the task of pouring more gallons of raw partisan sewage into Canada's political waters, a task suspended earlier this month by their leader's decision to dissolve the company he works for after the majority of its shareholders made clear their legal and legitimate desire to fire his fat, arrogant ass (notice that, as a rare courtesy, I have put that parliamentary travesty in terms even the CPC's politically illiterate neo-liberals can understand).
I have recently come into possession of a CPC caucus memo, written and distributed by the PMO's Communications unit, which outlines in astounding detail the party's expectations for its caucus once the new session begins later this month. I offer it here as an exercise in the kind of transparency and accountability to which the CPC has committed itself since its whoreson Frankenstein conception in 2003.
Naturally, I cannot divulge the manner or source of my acquisition. I will say only that, in a city whose Chapters stores refuse to stock Mein Kampf, the Aryan, hard-core operatives of a certain government party with an interesting past can be easily bribed by anyone with an extensive and eclectic library. The memo follows:
Firstly, Prime Minister Stephen Harper (who really, really likes Canada, by the way!) hopes everyone had a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, and whatever the Muslim thing is (if there is anything). Additionally, Prime Minister Stephen Harper wishes the best of the New Year to those of you who are atheists or who worship some worthless heathen idol, though you'll burn eternally in Hell.
To all of you, and especially to the 85% of you consigned to the backbenches for being precisely the kind of simian cretin whose higher public profile would devastate the party's electability everywhere south-east of Red Deer, Prime Minister Stephen Harper wants you to know that he will continue to save you the trouble of thinking, acting and voting on behalf of yourselves and your constituents by monopolising every aspect of party policy and parliamentary strategy, liberating you folks to gambol around Ottawa's golf courses, squash courts and wine bars and providing Canadian taxpayers with the kind of value for money they must expect from a government-hating government such as ours.
People, the need to maintain our discipline is more important now than ever. Now is not the time to gloat crassly and obnoxiously over our considerable accomplishments. Leave that to our leader. Rather, bend yourselves to the task of building on our achievements.
Yes, we've come far indeed. We've managed to convince Canada's angry rubes and lumpen-suburbia that we, a clutch of careerist lawyers with the civic ethos of the Medellin cartel, actually give a fuck about their issues.
We've managed to palm ourselves off as "small-government" conservatives while actually bloating the size of the state up to a magnitude that makes Enver Hoxha's Albania look like a paragon of managerial efficiency.
We've managed a viable impersonation of a "reform-minded" party while doling out metric tonnes of pork to partisan flunkies, while kicking up into the Upper Chamber more lazy, undeserving, patently unqualified hacks than any other ministry ever dared, and, most amazingly, while arbitrarily suspending the only one of our reforms that was actually blessed with cross-partisan support.
We've managed to persuade voters that the party that kept Canada's books balanced for over a decade and virtually eliminated its debt is less worthy of steering the nation through rough economic waters than a government whose front bench boasts the collective fiscal expertise of the Whitehorse Rotary Club and whose Finance Minister runs his own ministry like a private cut-price candy store for CPC lickspittles.
Really, one wonders how much of this sick farce we could have sustained without Canada's lapdog media. Now that we've made it a policy to reward brazenly biased journalism with lucrative, tax-funded emoluments, we can all look forward to watching even more journalists attaching their lips, barnacle-like, to Prime Minister Stephen Harper's ample, KFC-fed backside.
Nevertheless, all of this could be lost by the casual inadvertence of even the most negligible of you insignificant maggots. Therefore, the PMO has seen fit to supply you with a few modest tactical tips to help you be the best CPC lemming you can be.
Remember, the rewards are great: perform well, and the party will dunk you into the oceanic bliss of North America's wide and generous business élite, guaranteeing you years of lucrative, indolent corporate directorships and seats on the executive boards of farcical "think tanks" for the especially ambitious. Fuck up, and the party will heave your sorry carcass onto the most immediately available Greyhound bus en route to Beaver Dick, Saskatchewan, where you may resume representing trailer-park crack dealers at their parole hearings. It's your choice:
1. It appears that too many of you are unfamiliar with Prime Minister Stephen Harper's full title. This is unfortunate, as he requires it to be used by any and all commoners who wish to ask permission to address him. Using this title will help you avoid embarrassment. For your information, then, we provide you with Prime Minister Stephen Harper's full title, which we urge you to memorise and use as often as possible (making the Sign of the Cross after each iteration is, of course, totally optional). The title is thus: "His Most Serene Excellency, Dearest Leader of Canada's Eternally "New" Government and, By the Grace of God, Prime Minister for Life and Honorary Earl of Calgary-Upon-Petrol, Stephen Harper".
2. Be advised that, in these fiscally uncertain times, the PMO will insist that all CPC caucus members show solidarity with thrifty, hard-working Canadians by cutting outlays from their Parliamentary allowances to the bone. Frivolous expenditures will not be tolerated. This applies not just to you Members of Parliament, but also to your staffs, limousine drivers, psychic hairdressers, Cordon Bleu chefs, Thai masseuses, yoga instructors, lawyers on retainer in case the Liberals ever say nasty things about you, Governors General you've attached to your household to keep the old lady amused, and any private detectives you've engaged to dig up dirt on Opposition members.
3. For God's sake, remember that we're the geniuses who gave Canada the "Tackling Violent Crimes Act". Therefore, please refrain from any mention of Omar Khadr. The last thing we want to do is remind people that, while we hate the idea of a male adult having sex with a sixteen-year-old boy, we're perfectly happy with the idea of male adults torturing a sixteen-year-old boy.
4. We've had many inquiries concerning how best to handle the homeless people one encounters on the way to Parliament Hill. Of course, if you take your limousine, Humvee, or Cadillac Escalade to work, like civilised people, you will not need to encounter them.
If you insist on walking to work, however, please do not taunt the poor buggers by saying, "That's what you get for being an Indian," as has been reported of many of you (our Dear Leader has had the painful duty of correcting his learned friend Dr. Flanagan quite sharply on this point).
You would be spending your energy much more constructively if you simply invited the Indian in question to buy some stocks and bonds (available for a song in this bear market) and invest in his nation's wealth--just like our Dear Leader's mother--instead of leeching on it. When offering this free advice, be sure not to provide too many details, as spoon feeding the wretch too much helpful information may depress that spirit of enterprise which is so crucial in today's increasingly competitive market environment. Remember: the chap needs a hand up, not a hand out.
5. Please do more to advance our party's cultural programme. Yes, we're well on the way to snuffing out the weakly flickering flame of domestically produced art and entertainment, but some of you seem inadequately committed to ensuring that, soon, every adult Canadian will enjoy a cultural horizon defined by the current season of American Idol. There yet remain Canadian writers, producers, directors, actors and artists labouring away on projects designed specifically for Canadians with average to above-average IQ's rather than for the jaded, Budweiser-sodden denizens of the American Rust Belt. This cannot continue.
Clearly, we have not convinced enough Canadians that their artists, competing against foreigners who enjoy a domestic market ten times the size of their own, are the inert, slothful, loathsome parasites we know them to be. Many Canadians still seem to feel that spending a pittance to help a few Canadian artists live on the sunny side of poverty makes more sense than spending a billion dollars on a lost war that Canadians never wanted. Silly people. But what can you expect from a bunch of second-tier, "Northern European" socialists?
Anyways, just try to hate Canadian stuff a little more. We've asked Rob Anders to head up a task force on this issue, and we expect him to report back soon with a methodology by which we can all focus our hatred more effectively. For a start, Mr. Anders has drawn up a sweeping new re-design for the National Gallery: in Phase One, it shall be stripped of its obsolete, élitist European "art"; in Phase Two, Kindergarten children shall be asked to cover its walls with crudely drawn crayon sketches of Ronald Reagan, George Wallace, and P.W. Botha.
We'll keep you posted as things evolve.