Wednesday 11 March 2009

"Take My Prime Minister...Please"

Yesterday, as Canada's pain-wracked body politic continued to flinch under the cold kiss of the recessionary scalpel gliding playfully along its abdomen, Stephen Harper thoughtfully administered the most potent anaesthetic known to medical science--his voice.

Yes, I know: many experts consider the profundity and immediacy of Harper's soporific effect to be dangerous, and the use of his speeches to induce unconsciousness is controversial. Nevertheless, his humane and timely intervention means that those lucky enough to have witnessed the entire half-hour speech will spend the recession's projected year-long span in a state of effective coma--very near to clinical death--and will have no memory of this dark time when (and if) they revive.

Until then, their last memory will no doubt be of Stephen Harper desperately trying to arrive at something remotely related to this thing he's heard of--"being funny"-- by cracking wise with a lame joke that staggers pitiably out of Al Martino's killer between-song banter during a particularly uninspired late-50's appearance at a cheap Borscht Belt dive.

By way of explaining how the new Home Renovation Tax Credit works, Harper quipped, "It works like this: if you own a home, and you have a wife, you will probably be doing home renovations this year! Heh, heh [while you can literally hear the crickets]". Fast forward the video to 5:15 to experience this brutal onslaught of hilarity.

Harper reportedly wrote the speech himself. Presumably, the most apparent symptom of his personal touch was that little bit of appropriately-timed misogynist "populism": indeed, it's so important for a nerdy Master of Arts with a resumé bashfully pure of meaningful private sector experience to remind real, red-blooded, obviously heterosexual men--the middle-aged versions of the grammar-school bullies who used to beat him up and steal his lunch money--that he knows perfectly well that only men can own homes and only men renovate them.

Yeah, some people may quibble with that view, but they're probably gay; they might even watch the CBC; they're definitely soft on terrorism.

16 comments:

Ti-Guy said...

Home renovation itself has become just another manifestation of the rot of late capitalism and nothing more than an escape from the sheer dullness of modern life.

Good Lord, I'm bitter.

Sir Francis said...

Good Lord, I'm bitter.

Why don't you finish your basement--just to take your mind off things? ;)

Aeneas the Younger said...

... apropos of nothing, I notice that Chris(DBT) has deleted his blogs again.

I wonder what set him off this time?

Ti-Guy said...

Why don't you finish your basement--just to take your mind off things?

Heh.

It is finished. What I need to do now is to become dissatisfied with it, since I don't have enough real problems.

Sir Francis said...

I notice that Chris(DBT) has deleted his blogs again.

Really? Does that mean I can take his pity link off my blog roll? Finally! I've always been a bit embarrassed by that...

I wonder what set him off this time?

A spasm of lucidity and ethical seriousness? Let's hope it sticks this time, whatever it was.

Is Ice Princess still around? Her "funny" pics of things that look like penises are veritable national treasures...

Tomm said...

Sir Francis,

Once again you have entertained me.

Stephen Harper is not going to be quitting his day job to do stand up. He'll leave that to others. Plus it ensures he stays right where he is.

Its so refreshing when someone knows what they aren't good at.

Once again you give us a reason to admire the man.

Ti-Guy said...

Its so refreshing when someone knows what they aren't good at.

Like economics? Politics? History?

Point of fact, about the only thing Harper is good at is comedy, although not of a genre he'd recognise.

Tomm said...

Ti-Guy,

You find Harper amusing?

I'm glad you are enjoying the show.

I'm also glad. I'm glad that the wingnuts and moonbats of the left have been shielded from the public purse for the last 3 years.

Dion would have turned us into some combination of Iceland, Czech Republic, and Ireland.

Ignatieff just wants the Crown.

Ti-Guy said...

I'm not responding to your squalid lies, Tomm.

Sir Francis said...

I'm glad that the wingnuts and moonbats of the left have been shielded from the public purse for the last 3 years.

As if there's a meaningful difference between typically leftish fiscal spoliation and the unlawful carnal knowledge Flaherty and Co. are now perpetrating upon the federal treasury...

By the way, Tomm--you'll want to check back here later tonight. I've got a juicy tale about our Minister of Finance to tell. I'm sure you'll be amused; it shall no doubt give you yet another opportunity to cry, "But, but...Adscam!".

Sir Francis said...

I'm not responding to your squalid lies, Tomm.

Just a heads-up, Ti: if you respond to Tomm at all, chances are you're responding to squalid lies. ;)

Such as "Sir Francis, you're really a Liberal--and an hysterically biased one at that-- because you refuse to acknowledge the integrity/brilliance/semi-divinity of Stephen Harper".

A total lie. The truth is, I'm just unwilling to acknowledge his conservatism. The rest is irrelevant.

Tomm said...

Sir Francis,

I will come back for a look tomorrow. Thanks for the heads up.

I've never met a leprechaun I didn't like.

...come to think of it, I've never met a leprechaun at all.

Tomm said...

Ti-Guy,

I am sorry that you can't take a little ribbing.

Please tell me that a Dion led government (with or without the Coalition) would have been frugal with the public purse?

Please...

I so want your acknowledgement of the obvious.

Ti-Guy said...

I am sorry that you can't take a little ribbing.

You do it so badly. Sir Francis and I are poles apart culturally and politically and he annoys me all the time.

But he does it with style. You...you bug me like a teenager.

Sir Francis said...

You...you bug me like a teenager.

I suspect Tomm is a teenager (a precocious one, mind), which is why I'm fairly lenient with him--for the most part.

Tomm said...

When I grow up,
I'll carry a stick and be very dignified,
I'll have a watch that will really tick,
My house will be tall and made of brick,
And no one will guess that it's just a trick,
And I'm really myself inside.

by Marchette Chute