Omnibus Post: "O Tempora, O Morons!"

The varieties of "Conservative" Party idiocy are becoming difficult to catalogue. They multiply so prolifically and bloom in such an immeasurably wide spectrum of gaudy hues, that one requires the patience and skill of a Linnaeus if one hopes to keep a full account of them all. Please find below, in digest form, details of the latest CPC cretinisms:


"I'm Ready for My Close-Up, Mr. Dion":

After two years of loitering sullenly near the precincts of paranoid absurdity, CPC Communications strategists finally pole-vaulted over the shark yesterday with accusations that Elections Canada alerted the Liberals before their raid on CPC Headquarters in order to give them time to send videographers over to film the fiasco. CPC apparatchik Peter Van Loan provides a detailed description of the black helicopters:

"I am also given pause to wonder why it was that the Liberal Party of Canada just happened to be on the scene, camera crew at the ready..."

[Nota Bene: the CPC objects to the term "raid", insisting that the proper word to describe the execution of a search warrant is "visit". I expect major media outlets to act on this cue presently. I can just see the headlines now: "Police Visit Grow-Op".]

Predictably, then, the CPC has diverted attention away from their own alleged misdeeds with yet another attack upon the civil service, and they chose their target wisely: they do not allege that the RCMP leaked news of the raid, but that Elections Canada did, although there is as much evidence to suggest RCMP involvement as there is to suggest EC involvement (that is, none whatever), but some branches of the civil service are safer objects of scorn and slander than others. In this case, the CPC has preposterously chosen to impute partisan motives to a Ministry headed by a CPC appointee.

Essentially, the CPC is spitting mad that people with camcorders were allowed to record the sad sight of their party's reputation wilting, yet again, under the searing heat of public scrutiny. It is like hearing the doorman of a brothel complain of a client's badly knotted tie.



"The Wit and Wisdom of Rob Anders":

Chronic national embarrassment Rob Anders has delivered himself of the opinion that China is the "worst human rights abuser in the world". Sources close to the rabidly pro-Tibetan CPC clown confidently assert that Anders also stands foursquare behind the position that little kittens are cute and that it is nice to help old ladies with walkers negotiate busy intersections.

Strangely, however, Anders has never gone on record in support of a comprehensive anti-Chinese trade embargo, presumably because he would hate to see the regime's ruthless repression, vast network of slave labour camps and mass political executions get in the way of really neat deals on tube socks at his local Wal-Mart.

Also of note is Anders' vocal support of Tibetan rioters, whom he considers "freedom fighters", unlike scum such as Nelson Mandela, whom Anders once denounced as a "terrorist". Repeat after Rob: "Commies are bad; neo-Nazi Apartheid thugs are good".

Rob Anders is actually a legislator, people. We really should be losing some sleep over that.



"Junk Mail Just Got Junkier":

The CPC has been caught abusing a taxpayer-funded parliamentary mailing service in order to spread hysterical propaganda of the crassest kind.

The public mailing service was originally intended to allow M.P's to inform former constituents of riding boundary changes. All parties have used the service for other, more partisan purposes, but the CPC refuses to be governed by any decent restraint. While the Liberal Party has spent 1.9 million taxpayer dollars and the NDP 1.4 million dollars on the service, the CPC has pissed away a whopping 3.2 million dollars on obnoxious, Opposition-baiting junk mail.

Naturally, this CPC communications campaign has taken the high road. It's class all the way:

"But the sheer volume of Conservative flyers, combined with their highly provocative and patently partisan content, is raising eyebrows.

"The cost of Stephane Dion: Higher Taxes, More Debt," reads one such flyer that appeared in mailboxes near Elmira, Ont., recently.

Recipients were invited to check one of three boxes beside a picture of Dion:

-"I want higher taxes."

-"I want more debt."

-"I want a bit of both."

They could also check a box beside a smiling picture of Prime Minister Stephen Harper that states: "I want lower taxes and less debt."

Another flyer that's appeared in ridings across Ontario features a smirking, moking, beer-drinking, n'er-do-well in a "wife-beater" T-shirt staring into the camera--apparently under house arrest. The flyer accuses Liberals of being lax on sentencing."

One isn't sure whom to name as the inspiration for this tripe. Lee Atwater? Karl Rove? Julius Streicher?

There you have it, Canadians. The CPC has essentially wiped its ass on three million of your dollars in order to send you infantile anti-Dion vitriol--thus expending a fortune on something dozens of slackwitted Blogging Tories offer us daily, for free.

Canada's New Government: getting old, real fast.